Bang Jokes / Recent Jokes
For Theresa Muir who requested Canadian / Newfie humour: Back in the days when trains ran in Newfoundland, a passenger was travelling from Corner Brook to St. John'n when, all of a sudden, there was a tremendous thump and bang followed by a really rough ride for a few seconds. This was followed by another thump, bang and the ride became smooth again.
Just then, the conductor was passing through the car, so the passenger asked, "What happened back there?"
The conductor replied, "Oh, we just ran over a mainlander."
The passenger asked, "What, was he lying on the track?"
The conductor replied, "Oh no, he was out in the field but we got him!"
What goes' peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang'? A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons!
An Army base staff that was planning war games did not want to use live ammunition. Instead they informed the men: "In place of a rifle, you go' Bang, bang'. In place of a knife you go,' Stab, stab'.
In place of a hand grenade you go,' Lob, lob.'"
The game was in progress when one of the soldiers saw one of the enemy. He went, "Bang, bang," but nothing happened. He ran forward and went "Stab, stab" but nothing happened. He ran back and went "Lob, lob,"but nothing happened. Finally he walked up to the enemy and said, "You are not playing fair. I went,' Bang, bang,' and' Stab, stab,' and' Lob, lob,' and you haven't fallen dead yet!"
The enemy responded, "Rumble, rumble. I'm a tank."
3 POWs were caught by the Germans in a war. They were told that they will be shot at while they ran 100 meters. If they survived after that they would then be set free. So, the 3, a British, a Japanese & a Singaporean, lined up at the start. Bang! They started to ran like they never did before. At the 80 meter mark, the British was shot down. Before he went down, he patriotically shouted,' Long live the Queen' and died. At 90 meters, the Japanese was shot. Before he went down, he shouted,' Banzai' and died. Now the Singaporean was at 93m, 95m, 98m, 99m.... .. Bang! He, too, was shot down. Before he died, he shouted,' KAYU LAH!!' One meter also no discount!'
This bear goes into a bar and asks for a beer.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar".
The bear bangs on the bar.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars".
The bear grabs a passing barmaid and bashes her.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars and bash barmaids".
The bear bellows at the other barman to bring him a beer.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar,
especially not bears who bang on bars, bash barmaids and bellow at barmen".
In exasperation, the bear bites the bar.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve bears who are on drugs".
The bear says "On drugs?"
The barman says "Yes - I saw the bar-bit-u-ate"
This bloke goes bear hunting with a .22 rifle, a .303 & an elephant gun. He comes to the edge of this clearing and spots a bear. He aims his .22 rifle at the bears head, bang, then races over, looks around, no bear. Suddenly he gets a tap on the shoulder, looks around, 15 foot of grizzly standing there. Bear says 'You must be a sandwich short of a picnic. A .22 rifle and 15 foot of grizzly. I'll tell you what, you've got two choices. Either I crush you to death or you can drop your strides, bend over that rock and I'll give you one'
The hunter replies ' I suppose it's got to be over the rock then'
After the bears had him he walks back to his car, when he gets there he thinks I'll go back with the .303 rifle this time and have him. He gets back to the clearing, the bears there. He takes aim, bang, races over, looks around, no bear. Suddenly, a tap on his shoulder, he looks around, 15 foot of grizzly again. The bear says ' You must be stupid or something. You've got two choices more...