Average Jokes / Recent Jokes
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -Ann Landers
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went." -Will Rogers
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -Ben Williams
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -Josh Billings
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -Andy Rooney
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." -M. Facklam
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -James Thurber
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -Robert Benchley
"I wonder more...
1. Psychiatrists say that one of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it. 2. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 3. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 4. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 5. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 6. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. 7. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live. 8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. 9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 10. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. 11. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. 12. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to more...
Lonely? Looking for your ideal partner? Here are some tips on what to expect.
First the women:
40-ish48
AdventurerHas had more partners than you ever will
AthleticFlat-chested
Average lookingUgly
BeautifulPathological liar
Contagious SmileBring your penicillin
EducatedCollege dropout
Emotionally SecureMedicated
FeministFat; ball buster
Free spiritSubstance user
Friendship firstTrying to live down reputation as slut
FunAnnoying
GentleComatose
Good ListenerBorderline Autistic
New-AgeAll body hair, all the time
Old-fashionedLights out, missionary position only
Open-mindedDesperate
OutgoingLoud
PassionateLoud
PoetDepressive Schizophrenic
ProfessionalReal Witch
RedheadShops the Clairol section
ReubenesqueGrossly Fat
RomanticLooks better by candle light
VoluptuousVery Fat
Weight proportional to heightHugely Fat
Wants SoulmateOne step away from stalking
WidowNagged first more...
Comment: AVERAGE Really Means: Not too bright. Comment: EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED Really Means: Has committed no major blunders to date. Comment: ACTIVE SOCIALLY Really Means: Drinks heavily. Comment: QUICK THINKING Really Means: Offers plausible excuses for errors. Comment: INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION Really Means: Knows more than superiors. Comment: STERN DISCIPLINARIAN Really Means: A real jerk. Comment: APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC Really Means: Finds someone else to do the job. Comment: A KEEN ANALYST Really Means: Thoroughly confused. Comment: EXPRESSES SELF WELL Really Means: Can string two sentences together. Comment: DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP Really Means: Has a loud voice. Comment: JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND Really Means: Lucky. Comment: KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR Really Means: Knows lots of dirty jokes. Comment: SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE Really Means: Stupid. Comment: ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS Really Means: An office gossip. Comment: ENJOYS JOB Really more...
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded more...
Dictionary of Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK more...
66. A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indialns have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."