Ashes Jokes / Recent Jokes

After several years of marriage, Debbie's husband, Mike, died
suddenly. According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and
placed the remains in a small urn.
Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink
coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room,
removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike's ashes into
a small dish on the coffee table.
"Mike, my beloved Mike," she began, "I wish to talk to you. Mike,
do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well,
here it is, Mike. Do you like it?
"And, Mike," she continued, "do you remember, for several years
you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike.
Do you like it?
"Well," Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike's ashes into the air,
"there's that blow job I was promising you."

I read about this in an AP newswire and rewrote it in my own words to avoid copyright problems:
It seems that a diehard fan of the soccer club Real Betis died last year. But he asked his son to take his remains to every game.
So sonny boy did one better: he renewed his membership, entitling the ashes to a seat at the games...
Well, this is not the end to it: the management of the field asked him not to bring his father's ashes anymore, because they were in a glass urn, which they considered a dangerous object :-O
So the son went back next match with the ashes in a cardboard box. Incredible but true...

A woman who recently lost her husband had him cremated and brought his ashes home with her. Picking up his urn, she opened it and spread his ashes out over a table. Tracing her finger through his ashes, she began to talk to him.
"Dear, remember that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
"Sweetheart, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought that with the insurance money."
"And you know that diamond and sapphire necklace you promised me? I bought that too, with the insurance money."
Still tracing her finger through the ashes, she continued, "Darling, remember that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes... "

Three Americans died overseas in the war. The General of the three was sent to each of the houses to inform their spouses.
He went to the first man's house and told the man's wife of the tragic news. She cried for a moment and the General asked her what she wanted to do with his body.'
'Well,"she said,''he loved to fish so I would like to have his body creamated and his ashes spread over the lake so he can be forever with his fish. "And it was done.
The General went and informed the second man's wife. She too cried and was then asked what was to be done with his body? "She said, "Well, he loved to hunt, so I think it would be great if we could have him creamated and have his ashes scattered over the forrests so he can be forever with the creatures that he loved so much."
The third man was gay. The General was a little hesitant but proceeded in telling the man's husband the bad news. The man cried and screamed for well over an hour and then more...

Three Americans died overseas in the war. The General of the three was sent to each of the houses to inform their spouses.He went to the first man's house and told the man's wife of the tragic news. She cried for a moment and the General asked her what she wanted to do with his body.''Well,"she said,''he loved to fish so I would like to have his body creamated and his ashes spread over the lake so he can be forever with his fish. "And it was done.The General went and informed the second man's wife. She too cried and was then asked what was to be done with his body? "She said, "Well, he loved to hunt, so I think it would be great if we could have him creamated and have his ashes scattered over the forrests so he can be forever with the creatures that he loved so much."The third man was gay. The General was a little hesitant but proceeded in telling the man's husband the bad news. The man cried and screamed for well over an hour and then finally calmed down more...

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.

He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh, er...I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought hisashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out onthe counter. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember thatBlowJob I promised you? Here it comes..."