Ashes Jokes / Recent Jokes

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine." "All generalizations are false." "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." "Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle." "Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons." "Born Free... Taxed to Death" "Cover me. I'm changing lanes." "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools" "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon" "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog." "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." "Conserve toilet paper, use both sides." "REHAB is for quitters" "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!" "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her more...

Lady Luck was seldom kind to Sam. Although Sam had a real zest for life he was always beset by bad luck. He loved poker but poker did not love him; he played the stock market but always seemed to be the one who bought high and sold low. His life seemed to be full of more downs than ups. His greatest delight was his golf game. Not that Sam was a great golfer; in fact, he never managed to break 100, but the odd shot that somehow ended up in the general area he had in mind was enough to keep his hopes alive. Sadly, Sam became ill and passed away. But just before he died, he asked that his remains be cremated and his ashes be scattered just off the fairway on the ninth hole of his home course. Accordingly, a gathering assembled to carry out Sam's wishes. It was a bright sunny day and was going well. Then, as the ashes were being strewn. ... a gust of wind came up and. .. blew Sam out of bounds.

During their first date, the guy goes to the girl's house, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to get them a drink, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in with the drinks.
Holding up the vase, he asks "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there..."
He goes, "Oooh... I... I didn't know your father..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

Three gay guys die on the same day, and it just so happens that their lovers bring them to the same funeral home to be cremated. While they are waiting, the three get to talking about what they are going to do with the ashes.
"My Bernie, oh how he loved to fly," says the first guy. "I am going to take his ashes up in an airplane, and dump them out into the clear blue sky.

Three Gay Men Die
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.
Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the
same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, 'My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up
in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.'
The second man said, 'My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm
going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake
The third man (Bobby) said, 'My Jim was such a good lover, I think
I'm
going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my
ass up just one more time

Three Gay Men Die
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.
Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the
same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, 'My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up
in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.'
The second man said, 'My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm
going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake
The third man (Bobby) said, 'My Jim was such a good lover, I think
I'm
going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my
ass up just one more time.

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.
Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the
same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, 'My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up
in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.'
The second man said, 'My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm
going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake
The third man (Bobby) said, 'My Jim was such a good lover, I think
I'm
going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my
ass up just one more time.