"You're not drunk if you can lie on" joke

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...
so I said "Implants?"

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth... the rest was made in China.

Your Mamma's so fat, when she went bungee jumping, she broke the bridge!