"The Mom Dictionary!" joke

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.BABY:1. Dad, when he gets a cold.2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.CARPOOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.COOK:1. Act of preparing food for consumption.2. Mom's other name.COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds on the sofa during Dallas Cowboy games.DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."EAR: A place where kids store dirt.EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something."EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"FROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. How Hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.GUM: Adhesive for the hair.HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside."I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to MomJACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals."JEEEEEEEEZ!": Slang for "Gee Mom, isn't there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?"JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.JUNK: Things belonging to Dad.KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.KISS: Mom medicine.LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends"MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyelin

comments (0)