"Stupid funny quotes" joke

"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." -President Gerald Ford
"My fellow astronauts..."
-Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.
"Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."
-Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty.
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
-Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President
"I stand by all the misstatements."
-Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes
"Gerald Ford was a Communist"
-Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'.
"Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.
"We found the term 'killing' too broad."
-State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5
"This is a great day for France!"
-President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral
"This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected."
-California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood
"It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host."
-James Baker, televangelist.
"The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated."
-Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.
"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police."
-U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.
"What he does on his own time is up to him."
-Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child.
"Facts are stupid things."
-Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention.

Why don't lobsters share?
They're shellfish.

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Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.

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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. Then when you do criticize that person, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

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Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle. When Stacey more...

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Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "
I'm so pissed off !"
"
Oh yeah? What happened?"
asked the bartender politely.
"
See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me more...

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