"Nuts~" joke
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. When the National Anthem began, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" The patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, the doctor yelled, "Down nuts!" so the patients all sat back down in their seats.
During the game, one of the players hit a home run. The doctor yelled, "Cheer nuts!" so the patients all broke out into applause and cheers.
Considering things were going very well, the doctor decided to leave his patients momentarily and get some munchies and a beer.
When the returned to his seat, there was a riot in progress. "What happened?" he asked a fellow patron sitting next to his group.
The fellow replies, "Well... everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled "Peanuts! Peanuts! Peanuts!"
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. more...
Scientists have invented, at the cost of $75 million in research, a robot that repels eyeliner, lipstick & mascara.
You couldn't make it up!
A guy says to his friend, "I can't remember if the doctor told me my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's."
His friend says, "It's simple. Drive her to the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.