"Greatest Gunfighter" joke

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
One Saturday night, as he was sitting in the saloon, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.
The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Could you possibly give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Yep, sure will," said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Yep, you bet it will," replied the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here - got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Nope," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

Dear Mom and Dad,
Our scoutmaster told us all to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two of our sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily none us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for more...

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A cop pulled a guy over for speeding at which time the following conversation was exchanged:
Cop: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: Sorry, I don't have one. It was suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Cop: May I see the owner's card for the more...

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There were 10 blondes and 1 brunette hanging on a rope in the mountains. the rope was very weak and the brunette said someone had to let go. no one volunteered, until the brunette finally said she would let go, and gave a heart-felt speech. hearing this the blondes started more...

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your momas so fat when she stepped on the scale it said new high score.

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CHRISTMAS CAKE RECIPE You'll need the following: 1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whisky
Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a more...

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