"Aussie Slang" joke

I'm hungry:

"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."
"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."
"So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."
"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."
"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."

I'm thirsty:

"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."
"I'm drier than a nuns nasty."
"I'm dry as a f**k with no foreplay."
"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."
"I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards."
"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."

I need to go for a pee:

"Gonna drain me dragon."
"My back teeth are floating."
"Need to syphon the python."
"Takin' the kids to the pool."
"I got to take a snakes hiss."
"Gotta go have a slash."
"Gonna go water a horse."
"I'm off to drain the main vein."
"Time to splatter the bladder."
"I'm dying for a piss! so bad I can taste it."
"Shake hands with the wife's best friend."

I need to do a poo:

"I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi."
"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."
"It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."
"Off to the bog to leave an offering."
"Time to snap off a grogan."
"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."
"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."
"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."
"I'm going to give birth to your twin."
"Need to choke a brown dog."
"I've freed Nelson Mandela."
"Going for a Rodney."
"Taking out the garbage."
"I gotta back one out."
"Release the Chocolate hostage"
"i gotta lay some cables for telstra"

Vomit:

"Calling for George."
"I was driving the porcelain bus this morning."
"I left him a lawn pizza."
"Toss a tiger on the carpet."
"Gotta go Ralph"

Insults:

"I hope your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders."
"Not enough brains to giv! e' imself a headache!"
"About as useful as tits on a bull."
"You must be the world's only living brain donor."
"He's a few wanks short of an orgasm."
"She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard."
"He had a head on him like a sucked mango."
"May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down."
"He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock."
"So stupid that he wouldn't know a tram was up him' til the bell rang!"
"Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery."
"Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"
"As ugly as a hat full of arseholes."
"If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk backwards."
"Got a face like a bashed in shit can."
"Couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground."
"Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse."
"Couldn't organise a f**k in a brothel with a fist full of fifties."
"About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition."
"I'll kick your! bum till your nose bleeds!"
"A stubbie short of a six pack."
"Seen better heads in a piss trough."
"You're as handy as shit on a stick."
"Tighter than a fish's arse."
"So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him."
"Face like a smashed crab."
"As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."
"He could talk a dog off a meatwagon."
"F**ked in the head."
"You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie."
"He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door."
"Mate, she's as rough as a pigs breakfast."
"Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."
"He's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle."
"She's been hit with the ugly stick too many times."
"She's two pick handles wide."
"An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."
"As ugly as a bag of spanners."
"You've got a head like a dropped pie."
"He thinks his shit don't stink, but his farts give him away."
"I wish his dad had settled for a blow job."
"Fell out of the ugly! tree, and hit every branch on the way down."
"Your the load your mother should have swallowed"
"If I had a head like yours I'd circumcise it."
"Wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deck chairs."
"As thick as two short planks!"
"you got a head like a busted watermelon"

Compliments:

"Ya bloods worth bottling!"
"He's True Blue."

Your Mamma's so fat, when she went bungee jumping, she broke the bridge!

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Why is santa claus always so happy?
He knows where all of the bad girls live!

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FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I
turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't
say a word...
he more...

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A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few more...

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Q: What is the similarity between a rubix cube and a dick?
A: The more you play with them, the harder they get!

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