"Answers To Everything" joke

What`s the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity

What`s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What`s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

What`s the fastest way to a man`s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can`t stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What`s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it`s good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How do you know when you`re really ugly?

Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

How do you know when you`re leading a pathetic life?

When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it`s mine?"

What`s the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don`t have eyes.

What`s the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y`all ain`t gonna believe this shit."

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I
turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't
say a word...
he more...

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A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few more...

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Q: What is the similarity between a rubix cube and a dick?
A: The more you play with them, the harder they get!

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One day a man from Alabama comes to Georgia to get an education. He goes to the first professor he sees and says, “What can you teach me?”

Shocked, the professor answers, “Well, I can teach you about the power of reasoning.”

With a questioned look on more...

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Person 1: Knock, Knock
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Cows go.
Person 2: Cows go who?
Person 1: No, silly! Cows go moo!

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