Year Jokes / Recent Jokes
Questions are asked by lawyers.
Answers are given by witnesses.
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Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
when he woke up that morning?
A: He said,' Where am I, Cathy?'
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
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Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
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Q: Let me get this straight, Mrs. Clarkson. Despite the
fact that you had hired detectives to watch your
husband's every move, you yourself stood on that
corner every night, in all kinds of weather,
watching your more...
December 26, 1999Dear Santa, You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter.I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle, and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking you fat son of a bitch?! That you have taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year more...
You Know You're From Connecticut When...
You have hiked up a big hill or small mountain at least once for a keg party.
You never went to a bar in high school.
You thought that the only highways were 91 and 84.
You thought everyone couldn't buy beer after 8 pm
You actually thought that Hartford was big
You or someone you know has attended UCONN
You drive a JETTA
You still think that the Whalers are cool.
You have been to Misquamicut and to that little hot dog place.
There is a farm within miles of your house
You thought bars were really for people over 21
Your high school thanksgiving football game was the highlight of your school year.
You don't have an accent when you talk.
You have known at least 2 preppy rich kids from Fairfield who listen to Phish.
You love Hilton Kaderli and your mom cried when he retired.
UConn basketball rules and no one can tell you different
You have deer in your backyard.
You didn't more...
One day I decided to quit.... I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality.. ..
I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.
"God", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"
His answer surprised me...
"Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"
"Yes", I replied.
"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them.
I gave them light. I gave them water.
The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor.
Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.
In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful.
And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed.
But I did not quit on the bamboo".
He said. "In the third year, there was still nothing from the bamboo seed.
But I would not more...
An eight year old boy, and a nineteen year old boy with his girlfriend were going to bed.
The nineteen year old and his girlfriend were on the top bunk and the eight year old took the bottom bunk.
The couple on the top bunk wanted to have sex. But their was only one problem... the eight year old on the bottom bunk. So the girl said let's make up keywords so we don't scare him. Lettuce will be harder and tomatoe will be rollover.
All through the night the only thing the puzzled boy heard was lettuce, tamatoe, lettuce, tomatoe, lettuce, tomatoe.
the couple was in the middle of their pleasure when the boy said...
Would you guys stop making sandwiches up their, you're dripping mayonnaise on me
Two guys are out one day golfing. One slices off to the right, one hooks off to the left and they both go to retrieve their balls. The guy on the right is hacking and hacking at the ball but just can't lift it out of the buttercups. It has become lodged in. All of a sudden, up from the ground comes Mother Nature and is she mad!
"What the hell are you doing to my beautiful buttercups?" she asks.
"I'm just trying to get my golf ball out of them, lady", replies the golfer.
"Well, you are really making me mad. Just look what you've done to my buttercups. For this I must punish you. Your punishment will be an entire year without butter!!"
The golfer starts laughing hysterically which by now has just about worn out Mother Nature's patience.
"What in the hell do you think is so funny about no butter for a year?" she screams at him.
"I'm not laughing about that - I'm laughing about more...
Euro-English The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments more...