Water Jokes / Recent Jokes

60 above
Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats.
People in Canada sunbathe
50 above:
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
People in Canada plant gardens.
40 above:
Italian cars won't start.
Canadians drive with the windows down.
32 above:
Distilled water freezes.
The Saskatchewan River water gets thicker.
20 above:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
15 above:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Canadians throw on a sweatshirt.
-0 -
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Canada lick the flagpole.
20 below:
People in Miami cease to exist.
Canadians get out their winter coats.
40 below:
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canada's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
60 below:
Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets more...

An alter boy is in church cleaning the pews when he sees a cripple struggle through the doors of the church and make his way to the font of holy water.
The boy watches as the cripple manages to get up the step, sprinkles holy water on his legs and then throws his crutches away.
The alter boy runs to get the priest and explains what he saw.
"It's a miracle", exclaims the priest, "where is he now?"
"Flat on his ass by the holy water", says the boy.

A Newfie was going to Toronto on the Airplane and started talking
to an Mainlander.
Newfie: Lord Tundrin' Geeses Bye, What do you do for a livin'?
Mainlander: Well, I'm a Psychoanalyst.
Newfie: Psychoanalyst, What the Heck is that?
Mainlander: It's hard to explain so I'll give you an example.
Mainlander: Do you own a Fishtank?
Newfie: Yes, I got a tank.
Mainlander: Well, I bet you like fish then?
Newfie: Yeah, I like fish.
Mainlander: Well, if you like fish then you probably like the water.
Newfie: Yeah, I love the water.
Mainlander: Well, if you like the water, then you probably like to
go to the beach.
Newfie: I love to go the beach.
Mainlander: I bet you like to look at girls in bikinis while you're
at the beach.
Newfie: You betcha.
Mainlander: And as you're looking at girls on the beach I bet you think
about taking them home and having your way with them.
Newfie: Gosh, How did you know more...

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant, when applying to NYU where he now attends.
3A. ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only more...

* The term "bank teller" originated in the wake of the 1929 stock market crash, when banks began hiring low-paid workers to "tell" throngs of frantic depositors that their money was gone.

* Scandinavian berserkers used to cut out their eyes before battle to spare themselves the sight of the carnage they invariably wrought.

* The city of Slaughter, Texas (population: 11, 284), has never had a homicide occur within its boundaries.

* Rubbing Tabasco on one's upper lip before bedtime is an effective temporary cure for sleep apnea.

* British pop singer Baby Spice is the great-great-great-great-great-great-grandniece of Archduke William Pinkley-Hogue of Standishfordshire, making her 103rd in line for the throne of England.

* Moths are unable to fly during an earthquake.

* When in heat, female hippopotami secrete an oil with a flavor similar to strawberries. Kalahari bushmen use the oil to make flat-bread more...

...a midlife crisis means switching from the old hymnbook to the new one.. ..you forget to put water in the baptismal font but never forget to put water in the coffee pot.. ..the pastor skips the last hymn to make sure church lasts exactly 60 minutes.. ..you make spaghetti at your house with the little macaroni noodles because they're not so messy then.. ..you don't make eye contact when passing someone in the hall because you think it's impolite.. ..your choir believes volume is a fair substitute for tonality.. ..you don't know what was sooo funny about dat movie "Fargo" then.. ..in response to someone jumping up and shouting "Praise the Lord!", you politely remind him or her that we don't do that around here.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are walking through the desert. The redhead brought a bottle of water, the brunette brought a sandwich, and the blonde brought a car door.
When they ask the redhead why she brought the water, she replies"If i get thirsty, i can take a drink."
When they ask the brunette why she brought the sandwich, she replies"If i get hungry, then i can eat it."
When they ask the blonde why she brought the car door, she replies"If i get hot, i can roll down the window."