Vote Jokes / Recent Jokes

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully). The 1997 nominees are: NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. NOMINEE No. 2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." NOMINEE No. 3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to more...

Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Ronald Reagan are in a boat in the Potomac, when suddenly the boat develops a leak. They have only one life preserver jacket.

Bill says: "Let`s do the Democratic thing. Take a vote to see who gets the life preserver." They each write a name on a piece of paper and stuff it in a coffee can. Bush and Reagan get one vote each; Clinton gets six.

Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say,' Vote Democratic.'" His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesn't cost me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say,' Vote Democratic.'"

Can we count them with our nose?
Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
Should we count them all by hand?

If I do not like the count,
I will simply throw them out.
I will not let this vote count stand.
I do not like them, AL GORE I am!

Can we change these numbers here?
Can we change them, calm my fears?
What do you mean, Dubya has won?
This is not fair, this is not fun.

Let's count them upside down this time.
Let's count until the state is mine.
I will not let this vote count stand.
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit.
You have not heard the last of it.
I'll count the ballots one by one.
And hold each one up to the sun.

I'll count, recount, and count some more.
You'll grow to hate this little chore.
But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand.
I do not like it, Al Gore I more...

Top Ten Things Overheard Last Night at the Florida Election Commission
10. "The first vote goes to Gore... call CNN and tell them Gore won."
9. "Wait, if my wet laundry is in the ballot box... oh my god! Stop the dryer!"
8. "If someone voted for' the jerk,' do I give it to Gore or Bush?"
7. "Let's be extra careful, because every single vote counts... ha, ha, ha, ha, just kidding!"
6. "120... 121... 122! Yes! I'm the ballot-eating champion!"
5. "This is much easier than my last job designing tires for Firestone"
4. "America must never know Ralph Nader actually won the election"
3. "Discard all these votes for Bush -- they're obviously left over from 1992"
2. "I'm sure gonna miss you guys when this is over. If only there was a way to make it last a few more days..."
1. "Heads Bush... Tails Gore"

We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate.

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