Voice Jokes / Recent Jokes

A pretty young college student visited her professor's office after class. She glanced down the hall, closed his door and knelt before him. " I would do anything to pass this exam," she said.
Leaning closer, she whispered seductively, "I mean, anything."
He looked down at her and said,"anything?"
"Anything" she replied again.
His Voice softenend. "Anything," he repeated.
She smiled, and again said, "anything."
His voice turned into a whisper. "Would....You... Study???"

Caught in the Act:

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:' Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Burning with anger, but thinking the husband could only dig himself deeper; she turned, and with ice in her voice, said:' FINE.'

'Well, on the bus home, I met this young girl. She looked poor and tired, so I offered her a ride from the transit station. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that old birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit more...

There was once an old woman living in a cottage. Her husband had died three years ago. Suddenly, the phone rang. She picked it up and a deep voice boomed: "I am the vindow viper and I'm coming into your town." She put the phone down, thinking it was some boys playing a prank on her.
About half an hour later the phone rang again. She picked it up and the deep voice bellowed: "I am the vindow viper and I'm coming down your road." Again, the woman put the phone down, thinking that the boys were very determined.
Around a minute later, the phone rang again. She sighed and picked up the phone. Again, the deeep voice boomed: "I am the vindow viper and I'm just outside your door!" She put the phone down and the doorbell rang. She opened the door and there was an old man standing there. She said: "Who are you?"
He said: "I am the vindow viper and I've come to vipe your vindows!"

A huge fleet of the english army came to a hill, on the bottom of the hill, there was a forest of trees. Just before the king was about to go down into it he heard a voice from the forest it yelled,

" ONE IRISH MAN WILL DEFEAT THE WHOLE ENGLISH ARMY!!"

The king was outraged and he sent two of his best knights down. After much clashing of swords there was blood curdling screams and all was silent.

Again the king heard
" ONE IRISH MAN WILL DEFEAT THE WHOLE ENGLISH ARMY!!"

He was now so furious that he sent twenty of his knights down. There were screams of agony and pain...then all was quiet.

again they heard
" ONE IRISH MAN WILL DEFEAT THE WHOLE ENGLISH ARMY!!"

The king was know seeing red and in his fury he sent the remaining of his fleet down to the forest. There were screams an clashing of swords and then all was quiet.

The king was dumbfounded!! But one of his more...

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked... "And where were you when I got married?"

A young minister was just starting out at his first pastoral job. He was still very shy and unconfident, having recently graduated Theology Classes in the lower percentile of his class.

His first appointment was to visit one of his members that supposedly was very ill and needed cheering up. This was his first visit to any of his congregation, and he nervously rang the door bell, and heard her call out "come in". He stepped inside the door, removed his hat, and walked toward the part of the house from which he heard the voice.

Seeing the elderly woman relaxing on the sofa, and noticing the thread bare material and sparse furnishings in the house, he quickly, silently, asked the Lord for help.

On the beat up old coffee table in front of the couch, sat asmall clear dish about half full of peanuts. As he sat there talking to the lady, he nervously started eating the nuts, and as he rose to leave, he realized he had eaten every more...

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
The hunters "A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: My friend is dead! What can I do? The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: