Voice Jokes / Recent Jokes
A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of
his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty
because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his
patients.
However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have
sex with their patients so its not like you're the first...".
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another
voice in his head said, "... but then, they probably weren't veterinarians".
A man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. He was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked, "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "Then where the hell were
you when I got married?"
A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."
Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..."
Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay."
Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
She loses the panties and says, "Oh more...
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river more...
A man travelling on a business trip was passing through his son's college town late one night and decided to pay him a surprise visit.
He arrived at his son's fraternity house, but since it was quite late, he had to knock for some time before getting a response. Finally, a sleepy voice could be heard from the upstairs window.
"Who is it?" the voice asked.
"Hello!" the father called out. "Is this where Steven Brady lives?"
"Yeah! Just dump him on the porch. We'll get him in the morning," the voice replied.
'Twas The Night Before Christmas,
He Lived All Alone,
In A One Bedroom House Made Of
Plaster And Stone.
I Had Come Down The Chimney
With Presents To Give,
And To See Just Who
In This Home Did Live.
I Looked All About,
A Strange Sight I Did See,
No Tinsel, No Presents,
Not Even A Tree.
No Stocking By Mantle,
Just Boots Filled With Sand,
And On The Wall Pictures
Of Far Distant Lands.
ith Medals And Badges,
Awards Of All Kinds,
A Sobering Thought
Came To My Mind.
For This House Was Different,
So Dark And So Dreary,
The Home Of A Warrior,
Now I Could See Clearly.
The Warrior Lay Sleeping,
Silent, Alone,
Curled Up On The Floor
In This One Bedroom Home.
The Face Was So Gentle,
The Room In Such Disorder,
Not How I Pictured
A United States warrior.
Was This The Hero
Of Whom I'd Just Read?
Curled Up On A Poncho,
The Floor more...
100 Ways to annoy the pizza guy
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of more...