Valentines Day Jokes / Recent Jokes

I've noticed that the little Valentine hearts, with the sayings on them,have changed drastically.I saw one that said............Sext Me!

My love for you... it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.
I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
Lie down with me - it's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.
I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that's all they offer here in witness protection.
Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.
Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass.
Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car - So why ain't you dead?
The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look
You'd bear a son, and now that's done, So shut your mouth and cook!
Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness.
Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers.
Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what more...

I remember when I gave her an eel on that Valentine's Day.She was horrified and looking around for chocolate.I gazed into her eyes and said,"But honey,that's a moray!"

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day.As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision.After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:"This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove."These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I more...

Q: How can you tell if a valentine is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.

Things were a little different this Valentine’s Day.

I heard Cupid and his bow and arrow were replaced by Dick Cheney and his shotgun.

A lot of Jewish lawyers falling in love today.