Urban Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Three guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.
    While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
    The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...
    Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
    The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
    Double Income, No Kids, Yet."
    The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B, you know...
    Rich, Urban, Biker."
    They turn to the woman and ask her,
    " What are you? "
    She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
    Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc

    Element: Woman
    Symbol: wo
    Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary from 93 to 280
    Discoverer: Adam
    Occurrence: Copius quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in suburban and rural areas. Known to occuur in small, highly concentrated deposits in Urban areas (see Shopping Mall).

    Physical properties:
    1. Surface usually covered with painted film.
    2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
    3. Melts if given special treatment.
    4. Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches, handle with care.
    5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
    6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

    Chemical properties:
    1. Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum, and and many of the precious stones.
    2. May explode spontaneously if left alone.
    3. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
    4. Insoluble in liquids, but displays a certain more...

    Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: One, who'll do it for food.

    Q: How many alt. anagrams readers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: Three. One to say it can't be done because there aren't enough vowels, one to be clever and change "a lightbulb" into "bull bit hag", and one to try and sell copies of the "Anagram for Windows" program he wrote.

    Q: How many alt. fan. pratchett readers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Four. One to actually change the bulb, one to write amusing footnotes about it, one to propose to Laura, and a newbie to ask if that's really THE Terry Or colette or both, and then to realise that the speed of light can't be measured, except in badgers, or possibly multiple of pi, then to say sod it and ask if anyone knows where to find the lyrics for the hedgehog song...

    Q: How many alt. folklore. urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: It depends on the way the bulb is threaded.

    Q: How many alt. folklore. urban readers does it take more...

    Submitted by Peggie

    "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

    "Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18, 000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1, 000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1. 5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, 1949

    "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with thebest people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

    "But what... is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

    "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

    "640K ought to be enough for anybody." more...

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