Ugly Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven. When they get there,
St. Peter says, "We only have one rule
here in heaven... don't step on the ducks."
So they entered heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place. It
is almost impossible not to step on a
duck, and although they try their best
to avoid them, the first woman
accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest
man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them
together and says, "Your punishment for
Stepping on a duck is to spend eternity
chained to this ugly man!" The next
day, the second woman steps accidentally
on a duck, and along comes St. Peter,
who doesn't miss a thing, and with him
is another extremely ugly man. He
chains them together with the same
admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this
and not wanting to be chained for more...

A man, visiting San Francisco, noticed a musty curio shop, which seemed to be forgotten by time. It seemed very out of place in the busy city. The man's curiosity was piqued, and he entered the shop. The store didn't seem to have much traffic, and the shelves were full of dusty, but interesting items. The man found himself strangely interested in a rather ugly brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. Ugly it was, but he had never seen anything like it -- it was so incredibly detailed, and life-like. He asked the shopkeeper for a price.
The man was pleased to learn that he could acquire the rat for only $5, and he handed the shopkeeper the money. But, before giving the man the rat, the shopkeeper sternly warned him, "This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won't take it back under any circumstances."
The man thought the warning was curious, given that the rat only cost $5. Even if he decided he hated the rat, that was hardly an amount worth more...

Tim Hruza is so ugly he looked out the
window and got arrested for moonin
Tim Hruza is so ugly that when he was
born his doctor slaped his mom
Tim Hruza is so poor that he was kickin a
can down the street someone asked him
what he was doin he said movin
Tim Hruza is so harry big foot took
pictures of him
Tim Hruza is so fat when he went on a
diet McDonalds went out of bussiness.

A man who isn't qualified keeps pestering this tailor about giving him a job selling suits. Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit he will give him a job.
Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever buy it.
The owner replies, "Yah, I know. That's my way of getting rid of that pest!"
Two hours later the new guy calls his boss for his next assignment.
The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow did it. Upon arrival he sees his new salesman bleeding, scratched, and his clothes torn in several places, but smiling.
"Congratulations, the job is yours! Nobody has come close to selling that old, ugly, green suit.
But tell me, what in the world happened to you?"
"Well, replied the salesman, the guy that bought the suit loved it... said it fit him great.
As far as my more...

We know that you would give your life for us. Promise!

When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll say it was your stupidity.

Well, I'll see you in my dreams -- if I eat too much.

Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.

I'll never forget the first time we met -- although, I'll keep trying.

You are not the worst person in the world, but until one worse comes along, you'll do.

If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldn't say hello, I'd say boo!

I feel sorry for you because you are so homely, but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.

Yours is a prima facie case of ugliness. And your body is ugly, too.

I know one should judge a man by what he really is instead of by more...

Good: You're pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He's a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

A man walked into a bar and sat down at a table with a bowl of peanuts on it."Wow, you're really good looking, I bet you get lots of girls! You look really successful, too... you must be rich! You're so handsome and funny and all around great!" complimented the peanuts.Thinking this was kinda strange, the man went over to the cigarette machine to buy a pack.He jumped back in surprise when the machine said to him. "Woah, man, are you ugly?! I've never seen a more sad, gross, ugly little man in my life! Where'd you get those clothes, the dump?! You're pathetic!"Quite alarmed now, the man walked over to the barman and asked what was going on with the peanuts and the cigarette machine. The barman replied,"Well, the peanuts are complimentary, but the machine's right out of order."