Ugly Jokes / Recent Jokes

Yo' mama so ugly, it takes her a half hour to walk a block - 'cause she stops at all the hydrants!

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine." "All generalizations are false." "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." "Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle." "Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons." "Born Free... Taxed to Death" "Cover me. I'm changing lanes." "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools" "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon" "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog." "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." "Conserve toilet paper, use both sides." "REHAB is for quitters" "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!" "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her more...

Three men die and go to Heaven. When they get there, St. Peter is standing at the gates of Heaven. He says, "Now you may enter Heaven. But you must promise not to step on any ducks." So they all promised not to step on any ducks. The gates of Heaven opened. To their horror the grounds are covered with ducks. After 5 minutes the first man stepped on a duck. Instantly St. Peter appeared and tied an ugly women to him and said, " For your punishment you are now bound together for all eternity. After 10 minutes the second man stepped on a duck, again, instantly St. Peter appeared with an even uglier women and again, ties them both together and condemns them for all eternity. The third man was terrified. He Took special precautions not to step on any ducks. If there is one thing he hates it's an ugly woman. On the one year Aniversary of his arrival St. Peter comes to him and leads him to a beach at sunset where he meets the most beautiful woman in the world. He says to St. more...

RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS
I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy..I'd have nothing to play with.
A girl phoned me the other day and said...."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"
He said, "Because you came home early."
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I was such an ugly baby...My mother more...

RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERSI was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy..I'd have nothing to play with.A girl phoned me the other day and said...."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"He said, "Because you came home early."Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as more...

Wife: Will you love me when I'm old and ugly?
Husband: Darling, of course I do...

Doctor, I've got a head like a turnip, three ears, two noses and a mouth the wrong way round. What am I?
Doctor: Ugly.