Twice Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.

There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he's on his way to The Royal York Hotel.

The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park,
"What's that" says the Texan

"Oh! That's Queens Park" says the Cabby, "Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government" Those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big".

Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large" says the Texan.

They continue along and past First Canadian Place.
"Holy cow" says the Texan "What's that"?

"Why that's First Canadian Place, its the biggest office complex in the country" says the Cabby " it took almost 4 years to build".

"Really" says the Texan "Why in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than 1/2 the more...

A new study has found that women with clinical depression were more than twice as likely to be obese, and obese women were more than twice as likely to be depressed.

These results came as such a shock I could hardly swallow my tub of ice cream in between the uncontrollable sobs.

Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.
Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.

At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or more...

Here are a few ways girls turn "romantic" guys down!!!
HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!

SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!!
HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?

SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?

SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?

SHE: I must have been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?

SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!

SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!

SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy.

SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?

SHE: more...

ok there is an american, a mexican, and an arabian. first the arabian takes a shot of burban and throws his glass at the wall and it shatters he says there so much sand in arabia that i dont have to drink out of the same glass twice. then the mexican takes a shot and does the same and says there so much glass in mexico that i dont have to drink with the same glass twice. then the american takes a shot pulls out a gun and shoots both the immagrints and says that there are so many of you immagrints in my country that i dont have to drink with the same immagrint twice.

Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A. A tick falls off of you when you die.
Q. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A. To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
Q. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A Doberman.
Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3, 000, 000 has a chance of becoming a more...