Touch Jokes / Recent Jokes

Little Johnny and his dad went shopping at the grocery store. Walking down an aisle, Johnny asked his dad if he could have a box of Lucky Charms. His dad said," Well, Johnny, can you touch your asshole with your dick?"

Johnny said, "No!!"

Johnny's dad said, "Well, there's your answer."

Later, Johnny asked if he could have Spagettios. His dad, again, said, "Can you touch your asshole with your dick?"

Johnny said, "No!!"

His dad said, "Well, there's your answer."

At the end of the shopping trip, Johnny's dad felt bad about how he had talked to Johnny, so he bought him an instant lottery ticket. Johnny scratched the ticket and found that he won $1,000!!!

His dad said, "Hey, Johnny, you gonna share the money with your old man?"

Johnny asked, " Dad, can you touch your asshole with your dick?"

Johnny's dad said, more...

A doctor had just delivered twins. They were a boy and a girl. The head nurse brought them out for their father to see. He could hardly believe his good fortune. The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped around her and the boy baby was enclosed in a blue blanket.

He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and believe they had finally arrived. As he started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards and said, "You can't touch those babies. You aren't sterile!"

With out missing a beat, he retorted "You're telling me!"

1. I would like to have the heart of a small child. I would keep it in a jar on my desk.
2. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
3. Who can I blame for my problems? Give me a minute; I'll find someone.
4. A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
5. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than, "I told you so."
6. Today I will disregard all negative messages like STOP or YIELD or WRONG WAY/DO NOT ENTER.
7. Today I will treat myself as I would my best friend - with sarcasm and neglect.
8. Coming out of your shell is dangerous. Ask any clam.
9. I honor my inner warrior. Otherwise he will hurt me. Badly.
10. There is nothing wrong with me. Really.
11. Joan of Arc heard voices too.
12. I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
13. If God lives within me, shouldn't I avoid using more...

Today, October 12, is my birthday. It is also my least favorite day of the year.

This is not because I am getting older – I actually prefer the maturing process, as I feel far more comfortable with myself with each passing year (I am passing into year #42). The problem actually stems from a stretch of time when it appeared that nearly all of my friends forgot or ignored my birthday. I wouldn’t make a big deal of that, except that I never forgot to send best wishes for any of my friends’ birthdays (or their wedding anniversaries, or year-end holiday greetings). I’m not making myself seem clever – all it required was writing the dates on a calendar and looking at the calendar every once in a while to determine what was on the horizon in terms of activities and events.

So being in a situation where I was sending birthday/anniversary/holiday cards and getting nothing back in return became rather depressing. This was especially acute on my birthday, since it is more...

Unleash the Power of Shift!
Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
A: Nope, they’re the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean “up”, as in “look up at the screen”. Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

Q: What happens if I press both shift keys?
A: Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author’s Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139. 95. Or you might not, it’s your computer, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Q: My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation
A: more...

1) When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, officer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4) If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer doesn't go that high.
5) Touch him.
6) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
7) Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
8) Refer to him by his first name.
9) Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
10) When he says no, cry.
11) If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
12) If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
13) If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
14) When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
15) When he puts handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first."
16) Ask to be fingerprinted with more...

Santa went to a doctor and said,' Doctor, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts.'
The doctor asked Santa to touch his elbow. Santa touched his elbow and winced in genuine pain. The doctor was surprised and asked Santa to touch his head. Santa touched his head and jumped in agony. The doctor asked him to touch his knee and the same thing happened. Everywhere Santa touched, it hurt like hell.
The doctor was stumped and ordered a complete examination with X-rays, etc., and told Santa to come back after two days.
Santa came back two days later and the doctor said,' We've found your problem.'
'Oh yes? What is it?' asked Santa.
'You have broken your finger!' replied the doctor.