"20 Deep Thoughts" joke

1. I would like to have the heart of a small child. I would keep it in a jar on my desk.
2. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
3. Who can I blame for my problems? Give me a minute; I'll find someone.
4. A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
5. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than, "I told you so."
6. Today I will disregard all negative messages like STOP or YIELD or WRONG WAY/DO NOT ENTER.
7. Today I will treat myself as I would my best friend - with sarcasm and neglect.
8. Coming out of your shell is dangerous. Ask any clam.
9. I honor my inner warrior. Otherwise he will hurt me. Badly.
10. There is nothing wrong with me. Really.
11. Joan of Arc heard voices too.
12. I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
13. If God lives within me, shouldn't I avoid using anitbiotics.
14. I no longer need to punish, decieve or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
15. In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal.
16. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
17. As I let go of my shoulds and feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my inner Sociopath.
18. My purpose today is to share peace with everyone I touch. And you call that sexual harassment!
19. I listen to my body. It's saying, "Two Twinkies and an RC Cola, please."
20. Today I will rely on the language of love and understanding. If that doesn't work, I'll go back to intimidation and fear.