Totally Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him. ”You, sir, are drunk! ”
“And you ma’am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober! ”
I don't know if you saw Oprah a few days ago, but the winners of the "Young People Write an Essay About the Holocaust Contest" were announced. Fifty young people from around the country were selected to appear on Oprah's show and read portions of their essays, then watch Oprah cry with a real-life Holocaust survivor. Why do I think the contest was rigged? It's because my essay was not chosen, even though I am a young person and, like Oprah, I totally believe in angels.
Luckily, I have a forum for my essay (Which my angels helped me write, by the way.) on Daily Comedy. Here it is. I think that after reading it you will agree that my holocaust essay's not being chosen is the biggest travesty in history since the holocaust.
Oprah is Better Than Hitler
An Essay by Kurt Metzger and Angels
Hi, my name is Kurt and I hate the holocaust. It was totally not cool. If I ever had the chance to meet Hitler, I would tell him that he is a jerk and his mustache did more...
Two old women were talking and exchanging personal notes on their sexual activities. The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband all excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.
The second old woman thought this sounded like a wonderful idea, so that night when her husband went into the bathroom to ready himself for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.
Being arthritic, she found it kind of tough to get the first leg in place, but finally, she succeeded. She found it even tougher to do it with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she managed to get it behind her head. However, she had rocked just a little bit too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and ended up with her butt sticking straight up in the air.
It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
"Hazel!" he exclaimed. more...
A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.
The doctor said, "Well, this Ph. D. brain costs $10, 000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15, 000. Here we have a policeman''s brain as well. It costs $50, 000."
The client asked, "What? How''s that possible?" The doctor replied, "You see, it''s totally unused."
A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the pearly gates, shakes his hand and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you!"
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the attorney sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says, "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive."
"Congratulations for what?!" exclaims Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 more...
One day two robins walked along the road, planning their day.
Robin #1:Oh my god, we totally have to get some bronzing oil!
Robin #2:Duh, I mean if are going to spend the whole day at the beach we totally have to!
That day while the robins were tanning on the beach a big bad fox came along. He took one look at them and said:
Fox:Mmmm, I love Baskin' Robins!