Tool Jokes / Recent Jokes
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Tool Time Barbie. ..ncludes tool belt, which she has no idea what to do with
you know 56k means' reliable 33. 6' and 33. 6 means' reliable 28. 8' and so forth.
you know the win98 setup wizard by heart and can walk a user through it without even interrupting your Quake/MUD/IRC session to do so.
you know where the email settings are in Internet Mail, Outlook Express, Pegasus, Eudora, Netscape Mail, Messenger Mailbox, and you don't use any of those programs for personal use.
you maintain more than four websites and do not have time for a personal web page.
you know all of the following people by reputation and can explain what they've done that is relevant to your world: Steve Case, Linus Torvalds, Eric Allman, Sanford Wallace.
you know what TCP/IP stands for, not to mention DNS, HTTP, SNMP, BGP, OSPF, and DUN. You like acronyms.
you know more ip addresses than phone numbers. Sometimes you just find it easier to type the dotted quad.
you know more phone numbers to modem banks than you more...
The typical Internet user receives an average of 17,000 email messages per year. Of this total, an average of one message actually contains useful information (it says: 'Disregard previous email'). The rest are porno ads, investment opportunities for morons ('Make Big Money Petting Kittens At Home!'), and jokes that were originally set in movable type by Johann Gutenberg. -Dave Barry
Technically, Windows is an 'operating system,' which means
that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that
it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop
operating. -Dave Barry
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree,
is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals.
We cause accidents. -Nathaniel Borenstein
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is more...
1. EXCITABLE TYPE: Pants are twisted, can't find fly, rips pants in anger.
2. SOCIAL TYPE: Joins pals for a piss whether he wants to or not.
3. TIMID TYPE: Cannot piss if anyone is watching, in later.
4. NOISY TYPE: Whistles loudly while pissing, peeps over partition to take a look at other fellows'.
5. INDIFFERENT TYPE: All urinals occupied, pisses in the sink.
6. CLEVER TYPE: Pisses without holding tool in the hand, shows off by adjusting tie.
7. VAIN TYPE: Undoes five buttons to take out his tool when only two would do.
8. INTELLECTUAL TYPE: Opens vest, takes out tie and pisses in his pants.
9. ABSENT MINDED TYPE: Not quite sure what he has been upto lately, makes a furtive examination of his tool while pissing.
10. DISGUSTED TYPE: Stands for a while, farts, tries to piss but fails, farts again and stalks away muttering.
11. SNEAKY TYPE: Drops a silent fart while pissing, sniffs air and looks on the bloke on the left and more...
Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.
Ok guys, own up...which one are you?
Excitable Type Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.
Sociable Type Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not.
Timid Type Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.
Nosy Type Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's thingy.
Indifferent Type All urinals being occupied, uses sink.
Clever Type Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time, pees on foot.
Vain Type Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.
Absent-Minded Type Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants.
Worried Type Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing.
Disgruntled Type Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.
Conceited Type Holds 2-inch tool like a baseball bat while peeing.
Sneaky Type Drops silent farts while peeing and looks more...
Ok guys, own up...which one are you? Excitable Type Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.Sociable Type Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not.Timid Type Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.Nosy Type Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's thingy.Indifferent Type All urinals being occupied, uses sink.Clever Type Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time, pees on foot.Vain Type Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.Absent-Minded Type Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants.Worried Type Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing.Disgruntled Type Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.Conceited Type Holds 2-inch tool like a baseball bat while peeing.Sneaky Type Drops silent farts while peeing and looks at the guy next to him.Sloppy Type Pees on shoe, walks out more...