Tips Jokes / Recent Jokes

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced
frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with
their wagging fingers and annual tip on how to get through the holidays
without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a
list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings,
high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on
vegetable sticks, they say.
Good grief.
Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't
think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I
have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow
them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's?
Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, more...

A real-estate agent and her new trainee were driving around when she spotted a hand-lettered 'For Sale' sign in front of a delightful little farmhouse.
After quickly introducing herself and her trainee to the surprised occupant, the agent went from room to room, opening cupboards and closets, checking out the faucets and giving advice and tips on where subtle changes and a little paint here and there would help. Pleased with her performance, the agent was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.
"Excuse me, ma'am," the farmer said, "I certainly appreciate the little tips and advice you've given me, but I think you've misread my sign.
It says "HORSE For Sale!"

Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

There was a man who got a job as a hotel receptionist and his boss was giving him some tips the day before his very first shift on the phone.
One of the tips was: When showing the guests to their rooms, always be polite and say their names which is usually situated on the label on their suitcases.
After hearing this, he started his job the next day and led his first guests to their room. Remembering what his boss said, he looked at the label on their suitcase and said:
"Welcome to our hotel, we hope you enjoy your stay Mr and Mrs real leather!"

12 Tips From Workforce to Managers
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2.If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
3.Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and this is good training.
5. If you give me more that one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. Beside, having no life will help prepare me for making partner.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell more...

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10, 000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later then you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy more...

George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard INever walk down the hall without a document in yourhands. People with documents in their hands look likehardworking employees heading for important meetings. Peoplewith nothing in their hands look like they're heading for thecafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look likethey're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure youcarry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generatingthe false impression that you work longer hours than you do.