Tie Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a son of a fireman that wanted to be much like his father. Since he couldn't drive a fire truck, he used his little red wagon, a rope, and his dog. The dog is actually a male.

So the kid had his dog pulling him down the road while he was sitting in his wagon.

And a neighbor asked the kid, "Why don't you tie the rope around the dog's neck? You can go a lot faster."

And the kid replied, "If I tie the rope around his neck, the siren won't go off!

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing.

They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie.

With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them.

He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them!

The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

Items Needed:

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4 Oz. Fruit Bits
1 Railroad Tie
Wood Saw
Large Rubber Mallot
Safety Goggles

WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES. (Children: Get help from an adult!) Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of bread.

Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the block with your rubber mallot. Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with an ugly fruitcake. Don't be afraid to throw some elbow grease into that mallot! Good fruit bits should be much harder than the railroad tie, so you can't break anything.

For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by setting them on top of your garage for a year (or by microwaving them on HIGH for 30 minutes).

Finally, cover it tightly in platic wrap, and give your loved ones the timeless and enduring gift of fruitcake!

.... Reminds me of the time I went out with the lads, and we tried to get into this swish looking club. Very' strict' dress regulations, they wouldn't let you in without a tie.

Of course I was the only one of our group not wearing a tie. The doorman was adamant. "No mate, I can't let you in without a tie."

We went back to the car to try and find one, but there was no tie to be found. The best we could come up with was a pair of jumper leads. So I tied these around my neck and we fronted up to the doorman again.

"Will this do?", I asked.

"Hmm, ok", said the doorman. "But don't you start anything!"

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by more...

Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.