Tie Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A Sardar, a German and a Pakistani got
    arrested consuming alcohol which
    is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so
    for the terrible crime they are
    all sentenced 20 lashes each of the
    whip.
    As they were preparing for their
    punishment, the Sheik announced:
    "It's my first wife's birthday today,
    and she has asked me to allow
    each of you one wish before your
    whipping."
    The German was first in line, he thought
    for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
    This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
    The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."
    But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.
    The Sardar was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned more...

    Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
    Hundred Years' War: Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
    Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
    Wars of religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
    Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
    War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
    The Dutch War: Tied
    War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label more...

    Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.
    "Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?"
    "I dunno," said the second.
    "Let's find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole.   They waitedand waited, but didn't hear it hit bottom.
    "Hmm. Let's try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn't hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.
    While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they'd seen a goat.
    "Yeah, just now," said more...

    Ok guys, own up... which one are you?

    Excitable Type Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.

    Sociable Type Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not.

    Timid Type Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.

    Nosy Type Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's thingy.

    Indifferent Type All urinals being occupied, uses sink.

    Clever Type Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time, pees on foot.

    Vain Type Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.

    Absent-Minded Type Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants.

    Worried Type Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing.

    Disgruntled Type Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.

    Conceited Type Holds 2-inch tool like a more...

    Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

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