Things Jokes / Recent Jokes

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, “You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of the mud today. ”
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, “When do you have time to plough your land? At night? ”
“No, ” the young farmer replied seriously, “Night is when I put the water in the hole. ”
Once upon a time, there was a little old man that really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and was more...

Top 15 Good Things About a Cold Winter... The melodious clanging Anna Nicole Smith's breasts make when she walks. BATF calls off its siege of your heavily fortified compound when agents run out of hot cocoa. Much easier to locate nipples during foreplay. Finally, a chance to say, "Yeah, but it's a dry cold." Natural refrigeration keeps vagrants crisp and fresh until Spring. You can chill your malt liquor on the window ledge at work. Joy of frostbite makes it easier to rid your self of those troublesome extremities. No news clips of the President jogging for at least 8 more weeks. Watching O. J. enviously eye everyone else's toasty-warm glove-clad hands. Flashers stick to describing themselves. Spouse temporarily stops using back seat of car for elicit affairs. When it's 10 below, nobody gives a rat's ass whether Internet Explorer is better than Netscape. With multiple layers, people with buns of steel look exactly like people with buns of cinnamon. The shivering just makes more...

The computer user`s reboot poemDon`t you wish when life is bad
and things just don`t compute,
That all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?

Things would all turn out ok,
life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,
your wife, well she`s just mute
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
that make it all reboot

You`d like to have another job
but you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start a new,
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

(Be read when using the Willy voice in your head)

SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the Nation

Text from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum.
10. 16 P. m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998

Good evening.

This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.

I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing that no American citizen would ever want to answer.

Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine Band plays loudly and drowns out the more...

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with more...

15. Virgin or not, time to move little Miss Britney to the
"Naughty" list.

14. Have the elves increase production on those cheesy Xbox
knock-offs.

13. Cancel wrapping paper order -- use those Enron stock
certificates instead.

12. Decide how to respond to Ashcroft's subpoena demanding
information on what foreigners are naughty or nice.

11. Administer nine little Breathalyzer tests.

10. File a flight plan with the FAA -- wouldn't want an F-16
wasting the sleigh.

9. Irradiate all those letters from children -- you can't be too
careful!

8. Remove candy canes from pants pockets during mall photo
sessions -- getting tired of explaining things to the D. A.'s
office.

7. Write letter to self asking for threesome with Mrs. Claus and
Heidi Klum.

6. Finally shave the beard now that the Taliban has fallen.

5. Attend weekly meeting at more...

There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or tell your kids not to do it.