Synagogue Jokes / Recent Jokes

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the
street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they
decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it
home and parked it in the street between their establishments.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling
water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked
the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it" the priest replied.
The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue. He
reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut
off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.

This nice, old Jewish man really wanted to win the lottery. So, one week, he goes to synagogue and he says (good Yiddish accent mandatory), "Oy, Lord of heaven and earth, imagine how much good I could do with ze money I vould vin if I von the lottery! Imagine how much charity I could give! Help me vin the lottery and I will spent ze money wisely!" He doesn't win the lottery.
The next week, he goes to synagogue again and says, "Oh, lord of heaven and earth, you must not have heard me last veek! Imagine how many lives I could make easier with ze money from ze lottery! Help me vin ze lottery!" Once again, he doesn't win.
The third week, he goes to synagogue again and prays in a similar vein. Suddenly, he hears a voice from the heavens: "Help me, help me!"
He says, "Lord of heaven and earth, what can I do to help you?"
"Buy a ticket!"

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue. He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.

The conversation
[We Jews are not only not allowed to conduct business on Shabbat, we are not even supposed to talk about it...]
Yosef and Gidon meet in the synagogue one Shabbat morning.
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but I`m selling my car.
Gidon: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but how much are you asking for it?
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but £13,000.
Gidon: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but I`ll give you £12,000 for it.
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but let me think about it.
They meet again in the synagogue Shabbat afternoon.
Gidon: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but did you think about my offer?
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but I already sold it.

I hate September. It was always back to school, so I had to be ready. It was back to homework, so I had to turn off the Yankees and study. It was my sister’s birthday and I had to be..um..nice. Yuk. But just in case that wasn’t bad enough, the Jewish holidays are here!

Oy friggin’ vey.

I hate these holidays. Like four days in synagogue. In case you were wondering, the services are partially in English and partially in Hebrew, but mostly suck. If you are comforted by being in a room of people with your religious background, love a good solemn pray, or can’t get enough of a cantor, who sounds as if he has infected sinuses, chanting in Hebrew for 4 HOURS (Some people go all day! I swear God leaves after an hour and a half), I guess you’ve come to the right place.

Personally, I find the Rabbi’s sermon fascinating. You see, no matter how much sleep I get the night before, when he starts that sermon, boom, I’m out cold. Fascinating. He’s like a more...

The sad wedding ceremony
Freda and Moishe were getting married at Edgware synagogue and all was going fine until the Rabbi discovered that Freda and Moishe and their parents had disappeared. A search was immediately made throughout the synagogue and finally, the chazzan found them sitting in the synagogue basement. All six of them were just sitting on the floor and crying. The Rabbi approached Freda and said, "Why are you all crying on this most happy and important day of your lives?"
Freda looked up at the Rabbi and replied, "My parents are alive and Moishe’s parents are alive? Who are we going to name the baby after?"