Sullivan Jokes / Recent Jokes

Befuddled PC Users Flood Help Lines, and no Question Seems to be Too Basic From the Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, March 1, 1994. Reprinted without permission AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't gether new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp.technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked thewoman what happened when she pushed the power button. "I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," thewoman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the womansaid, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "footpedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated devicethat helps to control the computer's operations.[boring stuff deleted] Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techiesneeding help on complex problems. But now, with computer sales to homesexploding as new "multimedia" functions more...

Warning Labels
The Washington Post: Sunday May 14, 1995, Final Edition
Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd warning labels for common products. We loved one particular entry for its wonderful idiocy:
On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place." We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered that it wasn't made up.
Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata -- On a cup of McDonald's coffee: more...

Caption Contest:

If this scene went Gilbert & Sullivan:
Starts with palsied kid singing:
"I'm a palsied kid at a table
trying to eat a turkey
But really I'm unable
Right here in Albuquerque
For my hands are so unstable
and my mind's a little murkey
Too bad it's not beef jerky"
The Chorus:
"Too bad it's not beef jerky
too bad it's not beef jerky
He's from Albuquerque
In New Mex-i-co, New Mex-i-co
trying to eat a turkey
But he's just too herky-jerky
Yes, he cannot eat a turkey
'cause he's just too herky-jerky"
And then, as with all good Gilbert & Sullivan, the bananas in the background start dancing and singing:
"We're a bunch of bananas from Paraguay
They said "Come to America" we said "No way!"
But here we are and we must say
You better eat us now or we turning black
And once we do, we never get out credit back
You better eat us now or more...

As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena
shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where
before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night
went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In
the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her
work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know
what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she
did on stage.
She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she
went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged
ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the
other: "Will you more...