Switch Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    General:
    Leaps over tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, and gives policy to God.

    Colonel:
    Leaps over short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, and talks to God.

    Lieutenant Colonel:
    Leaps over short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is as fast as a speeding b-b, walks on water in an indoor pool, and talks to God if special request is approved.

    Major:
    Barely clears quonset huts, loses tug-of-war with locomotives, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, and is occassionally addressed by God.

    Captain:
    Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can someimes handle a weapon without inflicting self-injury, can doggie-paddle, and talks to more...

    The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience didn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."
    After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you don't", his manager said, "you're not retiring."
    Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said "Dear, would you be able to get me a small more...

    "Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"
    "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
    "What sort of trouble?"
    "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
    "Went away?"
    "They disappeared."
    "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
    "Nothing."
    "Nothing?"
    "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
    "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
    "How do I tell?"
    [Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.]
    "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
    "What's a sea-prompt?"
    [Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.]
    "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
    "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
    [Ah-at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware more...

    Some fun things to do the next time you're on one of those long international flights to kill time...
    Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes.
    When two people kiss in the in flight movie, belch real loud.
    When there's any nudity, hoot really loudly for a few minutes.
    Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.
    Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.
    Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, announce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places.
    Run down the aisle screaming, "He's got a bomb! He's got a bomb!"
    Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.
    "Accidentally" spill your soda on the dork next to you.
    Give someone a coin, saying "Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't."
    Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling "We're out of toilet paper! more...

    These three Texans go down to Mexico one night and get drunk and wake up in jail. They found out that they are to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.

    The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor School of Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."

    They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die, so they let him go.

    The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

    The switch is thrown and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go.

    The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a fighting Texas Aggie more...

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