Stool Jokes / Recent Jokes
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!"Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another hole in the ice.Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!"The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole in the ice.The voice came once more, "FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!"She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "NO you idiot!...this is the Ice-Rink Manager."
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing; so, after reading many books on the subject and gathering all of the necessary equipment, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy foot stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, as if from the sky, a voice boomed out, HEY, YOU, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from her Thermos, and began to cut another hole. Again, a voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!
The blonde, now worried, moved to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and once again tried to cut the ice hole. Once more, the voice said, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!
The blonde stopped, looked skyward, and said, Who are you, God? The voice replied, NO, I AM THE OWNER OF THIS ICE RINK!
An old couple was sitting in the waiting room of the doctor’s office when the nurse came out and said, “Mr. Jones, the doctor told me that he needs you to give a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample before he examines you. ” The old man looked up at the nurse, cupped his right ear and said, “What did you say? ” The nurse came a little closer and said very loudly, “We’re going to need you to give a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample, Mr. Jones. ” The old man leaned forward and said, “What did you say, young lady? ”, then turning to his wife next to him he shouted, “what’d she say? ” His wife leaned over and shouted in his ear, “She said she wants your shorts! ”
(It's an oldie, but a goodie.)
There was this guy who went into a bar. He went up to
the bartender and said, "Bartender, are you a bettin' man?"
The bartender replied, "Certainly! I'm ALWAYS a bettin'
man!" To which the man said, "I'll bet you $50 that I can
lick my right eye."
The bartender thought about this a while
and finally agreed to the bet. The man reached up and pulled
out his glass right eye and licked it. The bartender groaned
and begrudgingly gave the man his $50 telling him to leave
his bar.
A week or so later, the same man appeared in the bar. He went
up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, are you still a bettin'
man?" The bartender replied, "Certainly! I told you I'm ALWAYS
a bettin' man!" To which the man said, "I'll bet you $100 that
I can bite my left eye."
Well, the bartender thought he had
him on this one! There was no more...
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and –WHACK!! - knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, “That was a karate chop from Korea. ”
The little guy thinks “GEEZ, ” but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden –WHACK– the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, “That was a judo chop from Japan. ”
So the little guy has had enough of this… He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and –Bong!!! – bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, “When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears. ”
A man walks in to a bar and orders a drink. He looks down the bar and sees another piss drunk man keep falling off his stool. The man finishes his drink watching the other man try to get back up on the stool.
Feeling sorry for the drunk, the man tries to stand him up, but the drunk keeps falling. The man thinks that this drunk needs to be taken home, so he finds his address in his wallet. On the way to his car, the man had to practically carry the drunk man.
After finally finding his house, the man carries the drunk man to the front door. He rings the doorbell and a lady answers. "Ma`am, your husband is drunk, so I decided to give him a lift home."
The woman replies, "Thank you sir, but I have one question... Where`s his wheelchair?"
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.
The idiot says,' That was a karate chop from Korea.'
The little guy thinks' GEEZ,' but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says,' That was a judo chop from Japan.' So the little guy has had enough of this.
He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and *WHACK* bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says,' When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears.'