Stock Jokes / Recent Jokes

Was Affected by the Stock Market Crash "He can't come to the phone right now.. he's on the ledge." "He won't be in today... he was made an offer and he refused." "He left the building and not via the elevator.. if you catch my drift." "I'm sorry, sir.. she's not in... she's out digging up your can as we speak." There's a sign on her desk that says "Next Broker Please." "He's on another line with his Mommy.. would you care to hold?" "No sir, that wasn't him streaking through the Stock Exchange" "He's meeting with the SEC as we speak." "I'm sorry, ma'am but that was him being led from the Stock Exchange naked except for the sale tickets stuck to his body via maple syrup." "Yes sir, that is him in the White Bronco leading the cops down the freeway."

The Top 10 Signs Your Broker Was Affected by the Stock Market Crash

"He can't come to the phone right now.. he's on the ledge."

"He won't be in today... he was made an offer and he refused."

"He left the building and not via the elevator.. if you catch my drift."

"I'm sorry, sir.. she's not in... she's out digging up your can as we speak."

There's a sign on her desk that says "Next Broker Please."

"He's on another line with his Mommy.. would you care to hold?"

"No sir, that wasn't him streaking through the Stock Exchange"

"He's meeting with the SEC as we speak."

"I'm sorry, ma'am but that was him being led from the Stock Exchange naked except for the sale tickets stuck to his body via maple syrup."

"Yes sir, that is him in the White Bronco leading the cops down the more...

Lenny Dykstra is selling stock tips. After you buy those, talk to Tiger Woods for some advice on fidelity.

Today's Stock Market Report:
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Today's Stock Market Report: Helium was up, feathers were down.Paper was stationary.Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.Knives were up sharply.Cows steered into a bull market.Pencils lost a few points.Hiking equipment was trailing.Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.Weights were up in heavy trading.Light switches were off.Mining equipment hit rock bottom.Diapers remained unchanged.Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.The market for raisins dried up.Coca Cola fizzled.Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.Sun peaked at midday.Balloon prices were inflated.Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Yes, I did. Guilt by association. The year I stopped leasing ski equipment and actually bought skis, boots, and poles three years ago was the season of no school snow days. Kids have been blaming me for being deprived of snow-days ever since. It's so balmy that my skis are rusting.

This is us in Switzerland last December.

My timing's always bad. I buy high and sell low. I sold out google in the tech stock crash of 2001 because it was such a silly idea. I bought stock in Enron. I gave away my teddy bear the week before splitting from my boyfriend.

A woman entered a convenience store and asked the manager, "Do you have any mechanical pencils?"
"Sorry," replied the manager, "They're out of stock."
"Well, do you have any small writing pads?" she asked.
"Nope, don't have those either," he answered.
Feeling her stomach begin to rumble, she asked, "Do you have any chips? Doritos? Candy bars?"
"Sorry, don't have any," he said.
"Good Lord," exclaimed the woman. "If you don't have anything, why don't you just close the doggone store?"
"Don't have the key," he replied with a shrug.