Stock Jokes / Recent Jokes

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5, 000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don`t think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here`s a stunning ring at only $40, 000," the jeweler said.

The young lady`s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We`ll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I`ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I`ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old more...

It is believed that the stock markets go up and down with the rise and fall of the hemlines in ladies skirts and dresses. Proof of this phenomenon is in the following historical facts:
Glamour stocks and mini skirts soared in 1993.
Conglomerates and hemlines went down in the spring of 1994.
Hot pants led the Dow Jones up in 1971. The advice to the investor then, is,
"Don't sell until you see the heights of their thighs!"

The Stock Market always does what you think it will, but rarely when.

There were two grocers, Smith and Jones, in the same street. Smith had a sign in his window, "Avocados, 20 pence a pound". A woman goes in and asks for some. "Sorry love", said Smith, "I haven't got any in just now; come back on Wednesday".

So she goes on up the street to Jones. But his avocados are 2 pounds-fifty a pound! But at least he has them in stock.
"That's a bit steep isn't it? Smith's are only 20 pence a pound".
"Yeah", says Jones, "and when I haven't got any in stock, mine also are only 20 pence a pound!"

Today's Stock Market Report: Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

SMART ASS ANSWERS according to Reader's Digest:
Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass more...

If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $72.
If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the 5-cent deposit, you would have $79.
My advice is to start drinking heavily.