Skills Jokes / Recent Jokes

Energetic self-starter: You’ll be working on commission. Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law. Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this. Fast learner: You will get no training from us. Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours. Good organizational skills: You’ll be handling the filing. Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme. Management training position: You’ll be a salesperson with a wide territory. Much client contact: You handle the phone or make “cold calls” on clients. Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits. Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors. Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work. Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements. Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already. more...

*** How to interpret employment ads
"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less
than our competitors.

"Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train
you.

"Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect
that you will dress up.

"Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind
schedule on your first day.

"Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time
each weekend.

"Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you
around.

"Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control.

"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You
will need to replace three people who just left.

"Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a
company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from more...

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Buddha:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
Colonel Sanders:
Damn, I missed one!
Anderson Consulting:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.
Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.

Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.
Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with more...

While being interviewed for a job Ms. Jones was asked if she had any others skills she thought may be worth mentioning.
"Yes," she replied quite modestly. Just last year I had two short stories published in magazines and finished a novel."
"That's quite impressive," said the interviewer. "However, I was speaking of skills you could apply during office hours."
"That was during office hours," Ms. Jones replied.

Employer's Lingo:
"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A more...

Here's a little clarification of corporate lingo.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: " You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I'M more...

"Resumania" is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting's parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here's some examples:
"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."
(And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.)
"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."
(No problem...)
"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."
(Glad to hear it.)
"My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
(And bonuses "tied to" his shoe size?)
"I am very detail-oreinted."
(With the possible exception of spelling)
"I can play well with others."
(We'll be more...