Signals Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.
The wife not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures.
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin hell was that?"
She replies, "EYE-LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH!"

An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada. Suddenly his car gets broken. He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit card (unfortunately B-) ). So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke: “Hey, send somebody to my location with $500! ” The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back - once again, with the smoke:
“OK, chief, but why so much? ”
At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky… The tribe signals:
“Ok, Ok, chief, we just wondered, why to be so angry? ”

A deaf couple married and found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they couldn't see each other signing or lips to lip-read.
After numerous nights of fumbling around the wife decided she had a solution. "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For example, if you want to have sex at night, squeeze my left breast once, if you don't, then reach over and squeeze my right breast twice."
Thinking it over, the husband agreed that it sounded like a great idea. He then suggested to his wife, "If you want to have sex at night, reach over and pull my penis once. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two hundred times."

: Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander in chief...
"They're made out of meat, Sir."
"Meat?"
"Meat. They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them
aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."
"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars."
"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from
machines."
"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These more...

An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada. Suddenly his car gets broken. He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit card (unfortunately B-) ). So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke: "Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!" The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back - once again, with the smoke: "OK, chief, but why so much? " At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky... The tribe signals: "Ok, Ok, chief, we just wondered, why to be so angry?"

The Top 17 Other Effects of the Galaxy 4 Satellite Malfunction

17 With nowhere else to go, radio signals converge on Don King's hair.

16 Tamagotchis the world over die a slow, horrible death.

15 Worldwide headaches when everyone's metal dental fillings receive the signals from Gilbert Gottfried's cell phone.

14 Phoneless George Steinbrenner left unable to fire Joe Torre when the Yankees trailed in the third.

13 Ross Perot and Newt Gingrich stricken with terror while temporarily out of touch with the mothership.

12 Fortune Cookie Effect: words' in bed' added to end of all text messages.

11 Their cellular phones useless, denizens of Los Angeles experience the quaint charm of eating their lunch with both hands.

10 Dennis Rodman tentatively removes tinfoil cap and crawls out from under the woodpile.

9 Cher's face snaps and rolls up like a cheap paper window shade.

8 After several more...

I submit the following. For all I know, it may have originated in
rec.humor.funny, but I don't know. This was sent to me by a friend.
Apparently it has an unknown author.
[Note - Michael subsequently reported that the author is Terry Bisson, it
originally appeared in OMNI Magazine, it was nominated for a Nebula,
and it is reprinted here by permission of Mr. Bisson. My thanks
to Michael and Terry - ed.]
Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to
the commander in chief...
"They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"Meat. They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of
the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way
through. They're completely meat."
"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the
stars."
"They use the radio more...