Shopping Jokes / Recent Jokes

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too." The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon return, found four males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required: "SO GET OUT OF THE CAR!!!"
The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the drivers seat.
Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical, and parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter. There stood four pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad elderly white woman.
No charges were filed.
(Thanks to Mary Campbell)

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are more...

Seminars for Females (Prepared and presented by Males)
1. Elementary map reading
2. Crying and law enforcement
3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR
4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours
5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast.
6. PMS: It's your problem, not mine ("It's happened monthly since puberty-deal with it.")
7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions
8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights
9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed
10. Driving IV. Makeup and Driving; it's as simple as oil and water
11. Football: Not a game; a sacrament
12. Telephone Translations (Formerly titled, "Me too" equals "I love you")
13. How to earn your own money
14. Gift giving fundamentals (Formerly titled, "Fabric bad, electronics good")
15. Putting the seat down by yourself: Potential energy is on your side
16. Beyond more...

Even time has no meaning at all to a lot of women shoppers. My wife left one morning on one of her shopping expeditions announcing, "I'm going to do some shopping. I'll be back in about $350.00 or so."

121. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine? A: Not everybody has been in a limo. 122. Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies? A: One's a bunch a cunning runts. .. 123 Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush. 124. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job? A: Your job still sucks after 6 months. 125. Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist. 126. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley? A: The shopping trolley has a mind of its own! 127. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez Canal? A: One's a busy ditch. 128. Q: What is the difference between a blond and a toilet? A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it. 129. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? A: In the morning a rooster says, more...

Somewhere around 60 years ago, according to Zeddie Gillenwater of Sumerco, a woman sold her tobacco crop and, with a stack of bills in her hand, headed off to the store to buy a good, wood-burning stove."We have several different makes and sizes," the clerk said. "About what BTU did you have in mind?""B-T-U?""Yes, ma'am. That's a unit of measure, a way to measure heat.""Well, I don't know nothin' about B-T-U. All I want is a stove big enough to heat a B-U-T as big as a T-U-B."