Shepherd Jokes / Recent Jokes
Man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter. Bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here! ” Man says “But this is a Seeing Eye dog! ” Bartender says “Well, OK, then I guess it can stay. ” After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they’re going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. First man says “The bartender won’t like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him you’re blind and it’s a Seeing Eye dog and then it’ll be OK. ” Second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a few seconds, thanks the first man for the advice and goes on in. Bartender says “Hey! You can’t bring that Chihuahua in here! ” Man stares straight ahead and exclaims “What! They sold me a Chihuahua?! ”
A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers "sure!" The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns round to our shepherd and says: "you have here exactly 1586 sheep!"
"This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep" says more...
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."The shepherd thinks it over. It's a big flock, so he takes the bet.The man looks around and answers, "869." The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.The shepherd says, "Okay, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." The man picks one up and begins to walk away."Wait," cries the shepherd, "let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man agrees."You are an accountant for the government," says the shepherd."Amazing!" responds the man. "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?""Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."
There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
She asked the shepherd, "If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?"
He replied "Sure!"
Out of the blue, she blurts out, "352!"
He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She looks and searches and finally picks out the cutest one.
He looks at her and says, "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back!"
QUESTION: How many dogs are needed to change a light bulb?
Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie:
Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that damned stupid lamp!
Rottweiler:
Make me.
Lab:
Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Poodle:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the more...
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"
The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O. K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O. K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I more...
Elvis vs. Jesus
Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22: 39)
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)
Jesus is the Lords's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.
Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.
Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14: 25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)
Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink."(John 7: 37)
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)
Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e. g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)
Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)
Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The more...