Sheets Jokes / Recent Jokes
An accountant dies and goes to heaven.
He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.
After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."
The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter.
"It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so young," says St. Peter.
The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "160? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40."
St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!"
A business man from France checks into a High class hotel. He checks into his room and ready to nap when he heard a nock on the door.
(knock knock)
Man: "Who iz it!"
Maid: "The maid sir. would you care for fresh sheets on your bed."
Man: "Go away!! I don't carez for any fresh shit on my bed."
Confused, the maid leaves the sheets outside his door. Later that evening the French man decides to go down to the hotel restraunt and have dinner.
Before ordering the waiter asks: "Sir, can I interest you in a glass of wine and a clean fork on your table."
Man: "Excuzzze me! But I don't care to have a clean fuck on the table. I shall dine elseware."
So he exits the restraunt, and proceeds to dine across the street. While walking. A bum approaches and ask him for a dollar. The french man pulls out a dollar. Thinking this is an American tradition in this country.
The bum replys: "Thank you more...
O MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
5 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in more...
A Day at the Horse Races
Horses in the race are:
1. Passionate Lady
6. Clean Sheets
2. Bare Belly
7. Thighs
3. Silk Panties
8. Big Johnson
4. Conscience
9. Heavy Bosum
5. Jockey Shorts
10. Merry Cherry
At the Post
They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.
At the Halfway Mark
It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in. Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.
At The Stretch
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is making a final drive. Passionate Lady is coming.
At The Finish Its Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer. more...
A proud elderly gentleman was in the hospital for a series of tests because his bodily functions were extremely disrupted.
During the night he made several trips to the bathroom because he thought he had to go to the bathroom. After failing to go several times he finally decided to just ignore it.
When he awoke later in the night he found his bed full of diarrhea. Being too proud to admit he just relieved himself in his own bed he carefully took the sheets and tossed them out the window.
However, while this was going on, a drunk was stumbling home in the darkness. Before he can figure out what's happening, the soiled sheets come down on him. He kicks and punches the sheets trying to get them off of him. A security guard runs up and asks what the heck is going on.
The drunk replies, "I don't know what happened, but I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."
The Top 10 Signs That Its Time To Do The Laundry
You're wearing your last pair of underwear in the shower consistently.
You've worn your sheets to school because you can't get them off of you.
Your socks act like a shirt does when its heavily starched and emit a serious funk.
Your roommate walks around wearing a full body medical suit like they did in the movie "Outbreak" to avoid catching the Ebola virus.
The Snuggle Bear on the softener bottle officially died last week.
The DEA's drug sniffing dog is always coming by to sniff your laundry because the strong stench makes him think you have 28 tons of pot in your closet.
Even after sewing 28 spring scented dryer sheets to the inside of your shirt, your friends still say you reek.
The phrase "Wash Me" is visibly written in your jeans.
Your red T-shirt is now green.
The boss pulls you aside to remind you that more...
They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.