Shape Jokes / Recent Jokes

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

Andy Rooney Quotes:
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I am in shape. Round's a shape!
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

(Age 22)1. Handsome2. Charming3. Financially successful4. A caring listener5. Witty6. In good shape7. Dresses with style8. Appreciates the finer things9. Full of thoughtful surprises10. An imaginative, romantic lover(Age 32)1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head2. Opens car doors, holds chairs3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant4. Listens more then he talks5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times6. Can carry all the groceries wit hease7. Owns at least one tie8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal9. Remembers anniversaries10. Likes to be romantic at least once a week(Age 42)1. Not too ugly- Bald head OK2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car3. Works steady- splurges on dinner at McDonald's on occasion4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking5. Usually remembers the punch line of jokes6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids9. Remembers to put more...

What Women Want in Men
Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. more...

fun! :-)
A-Day minus 5"Jimmy, whatever happened to that nice Max Iceberg? I haven't seen him since he came to our wedding ten years ago."
A-Day minus 4"Look at this ad. It's the exact same set of dishes the girls gave me at work for my bridal shower ten years ago."
A-Day minus 3"You know, you don't look a day older than when we got married ten years ago. I'm glad you've kept yourself in such good shape."
A-Day minus 2"Look Jimmy, I can still fit into my wedding dress. See? You're not the only one who's kept in shape these past ten years."
A-Day minus 1"Remember how nervous you were at our wedding rehearsal dinner ten years ago tonight? I was afraid you weren't gonna show up at the church."
Anniversary"Oh Jimmy darling. For me? You remembered."

1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
2. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
3. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
4. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
5. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
6. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
7. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
8. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

You know you're in a Cartoon when...
1. You get hit by a falling piano.
2. There's only one mail-order company.
3. Cows are related to chickens.
4. When your beak gets blown off your face you can just pick it up, stick it
back on again.
5. Frying pans are very malleable, especially to the shape of your head.
6. Bullets bend around pipes and/or rabbit holes.
7. Explosives only singe your hair.
8. Gravity is slower to take effect.
9. Anvils fall from the sky.
10. You can survive a nasty fall off the grand canyon.
11. Adults only have legs, and you never see their torso.
12. Bombs are always clearly labelled 'bomb'.
13. You eat sandwiches by swallowing them whole.
14. The local community contains an extraordinary high percentage of
megalomaniacs trying to take over the world.
15. Your lifelong enemy is a mouse.
16. Your body can concertina back into shape after being run over.
17. You keep a dinosaur as a pet and more...