Scream Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
    Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
    You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
    You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
    Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
    You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
    You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
    Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
    People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
    Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
    You laugh out loud during funerals.
    When your doctor tells more...

    Some of these are EXTREMELY offensive. Women who are sensitive
    should
    probably skip this. Why women!? Any FCP or men too!!

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    1. What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt? A pussy is warm
    and moist. A cunt is what owns it.

    2. What's a clitoris? A female hood ornament.

    3. What's the only bad thing about the 69 position? The view.

    4. Why do men fart more than women? Because women won't shut up long
    enough to build up pressure.

    5. Why did cave men drag their women around by the hair? Because if
    you drag them around by the feet they fill up with dirt.

    6. Why did god give men penises? So we'd always have at least one
    way to shut a woman up!

    7. What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick? You
    don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.

    8. How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you.

    9. more...

    1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with. 6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again. 7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 9. Use Interactive more...

    A copywriter dies, and Saint Peter offers him a choice of Heaven or Hell. The writer asks to see both. Leading him to a doorway, Saint Peter says: "Here in Hell, we have a room just for copywriters." Inside, the writer sees row upon row of faceless hacks, all scribbling frantically as giant red devils lay into them with heavy whips. "The meeting's in five minutes! The meeting's in five minutes" the devils scream. "Uh. .. better show me Heaven," the writer says. So up they go. "Here in Heaven, we have a room for copywriters too," Saint Peter says. Peering into the second room, the writer again sees row upon row of faceless hacks, all scribbling frantically as giant red devils lay into them with heavy whips. "The meeting's in five minutes! The meeting's in five minutes" the devils scream. The copywriter protests, "But I thought you said this was Heaven!" St. Peter says, "Well, up Here, the work gets produced."

    Three Friends an Italian a German and a Greek they decided to bet it's other 100 euros who is going to make their wives scream more from sex. So they all go home to have sex with their wives so they make them scream. The next day the meet. The Italian says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours." The German says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that." The Greek says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."

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