"39 Warning Signs Of Insanity" joke

Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
You laugh out loud during funerals.
When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"
Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.
You collect dead windowsill flies.
Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
You like cats. Especially with mayo.
You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.
You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
Melba toast excites you.
When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.
Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity.
People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

Person 1: Knock, Knock
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Cows go.
Person 2: Cows go who?
Person 1: No, silly! Cows go moo!


A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. more...


A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her more...


Q:what did god say when the first black person came to heaven?
A:oops I must of burnt one!!


Arnold Schwartzinagor has a long one

Michael J. Fox has a short one

Madonna doesn't have one and

Bill Clinton uses his a lot

What is "it"?

A last name!

Now what were you thinking?

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