Announce Jokes

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    I sometimes feel so bad about things that I wonder if I am sane. I see so many people acting so stupidly in the world, that what they do makes no sense. Maybe I'm the only sane person and everyone else is crazy! It seems like the world has gotten both stupider and nastier over the years, or at least the U.S. has.
    It is the asinine stupidity - and plain arrogance - of people that makes me sick. The District of Columbia is damn near so bankrupt it would be "30c short of a quarter." The Financial Control Board gave a timid order to Mayor-for-life Marion "Snort, Snort" Barry to cut 6,000 city employees.
    Washington is so obscenely overstaffed that the number of people that should be cut from its payroll is more like 60,000! This isn't cutting the payroll, this is giving it a manicure! People are practically calling this near-nothing cutback a "meat axe" approach!
    All the while the city goes deeper into red ink. I'm thinking, when the city does go more...

    One year at halloween the governor was giving a costume party. All the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman would announce what there characters were.When one couple arrived he announced "Mickey and Minnie Mouse".As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane" and so on as each guest arrived.Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe."Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman. Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the local university CS department The doorman asked "How shall I announce you?"The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation""I'm very sorry sir", said the doorman in obvious shock, "I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering.""O.K." said the professor. "Just say I came in my pants"

    21. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
    22. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
    23. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
    24. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
    25. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
    26. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
    27. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
    28. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
    29. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back more...

    1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
    2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
    3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
    4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
    5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
    6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you're on rough seas.
    7. Shave. (Especially if you're a woman.)
    8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
    9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
    10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
    11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
    12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol more...

    1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond. 2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big. 3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack. 4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents. 5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream' MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!' 6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles. 7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable. 8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King.. 9.. . but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're' astronaut food'. 10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading aloud from' Dianetics.' 11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I. 12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say,' You mean you really can't more...

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