Scratching Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dad -' 'Son, come in here, we need to talk.''

Son -' 'What's up, Dad?''

Dad -' 'There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?''

Son -' 'I don't believe, if I understand the definition of a' scratch the car, that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.''

Dad -' 'Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?''

Son -' 'Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.''

Dad -' 'But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?''

Son -' 'Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. more...

A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper. She collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is. The local person replies, "Oh, that is Beethoven. He's decomposing."

A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper.
She collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is.
The local person replies, "Oh, that is Beethoven. He`s decomposing."

A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper.She collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is.The local person replies, "Oh, that is Beethoven. He's decomposing."

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk.

SON - What's up, Dad?

DAD - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

SON - I don't believe; if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"; that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.

DAD - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

SON - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

DAD - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I more...

The teacher noticed little Johnny sitting at the back of the class squirming and scratching his crotch, so she went back to him to see what was wrong. He told her in an embarrassed whisper that he had recently been circumcised and he was very itchy.
She told Johnny to go down to the Principal's office to phone his mother and ask her what he should do. Johnny did as the teacher said and returned to class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the class so the teacher went back to investigate. There she found Johnny sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call you mother," she yelled.
"I did," Johnny replied. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and get me."