Scoring Jokes

Rules of Bedroom Football
1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, although they all conform within basic requirements.
2. Premiership grounds are all of high quality with well developed East and West stands.
3. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
4. Remember it is always possible to score at both ends, but one end may always be preferable.
5. Bizarrely enough, shooting over the bar is sometimes preferred.
6. Take care not to be red carded in the tackle.
7. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.
8. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible for the Sidcup Social league.
9. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
10. Handling balls is allowed.
11. Some protection should be worn.
12. Singing songs about other players is banned.
13. Extra time may occur even if more...

There are TWO teams, with eleven players each (instead of nine as in baseball).

Instead of four bases, there are only two; in the middle of the field, sixty-six feet apart... all running is between the two bases... the ball can be hit in front, OR behind... or, in ANY direction.

Instead of rotating batting for nine innings each, EACH team does all its batting in a SINGLE inning.

The team scoring more runs wins the game.



[NOTE: Unlike baseball, where a pitcher rests every 10 or so pitches when the BATTING rotates, cricket pitchers rest every 6 pitches as their PITCHING rotates.]


The fielding team works with TWO pitchers at the same time.

The first pitcher throws from one base to the other. After six throws, the catcher moves around behind the first pitcher's base, pitcher #2 takes over. He makes six throws in the opposite direction (i. e. towards the starting pitcher's base). The two pitchers keep more...

In this holiday season, the presents are under the tree, the good feelings are flowing... then the criminals kick into high gear and you have to see your family. Every bit of good is offset with a little bit of bad. Can you thrive and survive this holiday season? Take this quiz and find out.
Part I: The Night Before Christmas
1: When up on the roof there arises such a clatter, you...
A. Jump out of bed shouting "Santa's here!"
B. Jump out of bed shouting "What the %&!@ was that?!"
C. Grab a shotgun and start firing toward the sound of footsteps.
2: Finish this famous line from a X-mas tradition: "On..."
A. "a gada da vida."
B. "top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese..."
C. "Cupid, on Comet, on Donder and Blitzen!"
3: By the way, what is a Blitzen?
A. An incredible drink with five kinds of rum.
B. Isn't it that thing they serve with jam at a deli?
C. A reindeer, more...

THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL
Do you remember primary school/junior high/high school? Do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?...
Well forget'em! This is **FOOTBALL**. With the all new standardized guide to Football, you can forget any of the previous complications of having to remember what second base was or any of that shit. And you wonder why there is a strike in Baseball and not Football! Quite simply, Baseball is a boring, confusing, and often an ambiguous game especially when trying to compare it to sexual experiences. Whereas Football was invented for the soul purpose of understanding where you and your friends are at. Basically the game of Football is one big sex metaphor. No one has discovered that yet, but as you will soon see, the complications of modern romance are easily solved here, in The Original Handbook of Football!
Okay now for the yard lines.
your 10 yrd ln... holding hands
" 20 yrd ln... hugging
" 30 yrd more...

It was 3. 30 pm on the very last day of the ongoing test
match when there was an urgent call for INFOSYS and it was from no
other than the SRI LANKA CRICKET BOARD.
I picked up the receiver: "Hello? This is INFOSYS ".
Frantically came a voice "This is the Secretary of Board of Cricket
Control of Sri Lanka. We have got a serious problem."
" What's it? " asked I. There came the reply:
" Our scoreboard, though electronic, is a bit old one. It can show
only three digits. And the pace with which
De Silva is scoring runs, 1000 will be scored any time.
After that, Lanka will be scoring from zero again, as it will look!!"
I immediately met my bosses and an urgent meetting was
called. After it was over, it was clear that INFOSYS cannot give the
solution within one hour as per their request.
"So", I told him, " Please tell De Silva to get out and Lanka to
finish their more...