Rough Jokes / Recent Jokes
Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water"."Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified."Yes, I`m afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs"."And if I do this, the sharks won`t eat me any more?" asks the little lady."Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won`t enjoy it so much".
Tired of being a golf widow, a woman took up the game and wound up playing with her husband on a country course one day. He hit his drive way off into the rough, behind a barn. She came over to take a look, surveyed the situation, and suggested that if he opened both barn doors he could hit his ball straight through the barn to the green.
He saw this as an excellent idea, complimented her for her suggestion, then opened the doors and stepped up to the ball. He made a swing and great contact. Unfortunately, the ball was off line, careened off the door frame, hit the wife in the head and killed her.
Years went by, the man finally remarried, and this time found himself a golfer for a wife. Incredibly, the same situation occurs. The man is in the rough behind the same barn. His new wife took a look at his ball and suggested that he could make the green if he opened both barn doors and hit through the barn.
"No way," he replied. "I can't do more...
CHRISTMAS CARD
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the
bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a
mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few
shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included
one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative
called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I
take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was
shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror -- wearing nothing but a camera!
MY FOOTSTEPS?
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about
her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the
doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little
girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Be still, my
heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in more...
Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said: "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex." Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He more...
On a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane "FRAN", the captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom.
"Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston."
After a short pause and several clicks...... "Damn - whadda more...
A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says, "Father during the week I said the F-word."The priest says, "Well my son, say 3 Hail Mary's and your sins will be forgiven."The guy however was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation."Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church," said the guy."Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked."No," the guy replied. "I was on the first tee and I duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough.""Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked."No," the guy replied getting quite annoyed with the constant interruptions to his story. "My ball took a lucky kick out of the rough and I was left with a perfect shot to the green.""Is that why you said the more...
Tell ya what though, I don't have it nearly as rough as one of my neighbors. When he attends a wife swapping party, he has to throw in the maid, and a mistress to be named later.