Raise Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
    Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the more...

    A handyman, who was working for a synagogue in Allentown, PA, asked for a raise and was flatly refused. So, he quit his job and went out searching for work.
    First, he went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there, he would have to answer one question. "Where was Jesus born?" the minister asked.
    The handyman answered, "Pittsburgh," and was promptly thrown out.
    He then went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there, he would have to answer one question. "Where was Jesus born?" the priest asked.
    "Philadelphia," the handyman answered. Again, he was thrown out.
    As he continued his search, he met up with the rabbi who happened to be looking for him. "I've been looking everywhere for you," exclaimed the rabbi. "The board has approved your raise. Please, come back immediately."
    "I will come back," the handyman replied, "but only if you more...

    A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
    "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
    "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
    "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've more...

    The House will vote on Saturday to raise the minimum wage to $7.25 an hour. The raise would allow many Americans to quit their third job.

    Justification for beer and ice cream! But stay away from the pizza!
    As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally suck the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.
    For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will, in a short time, be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.
    Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the more...

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