Purr Jokes / Recent Jokes

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr likea freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To takea tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are notrecommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who's used to theprocedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than activelyirritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which willbend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and thecane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the waythat the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madlyhanging on if things go wrong.
What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.
Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a more...