Paying Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    by George Carlin
    I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am George Carlin, a BAD American.
    I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary, be it Democratic or Republican.
    I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!
    I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.
    I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.
    I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you should do it in English.
    I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
    I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus, of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.
    I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.
    My heroes are John more...

    There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 and found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:Dear IRS:
    Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential Election Fund', as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a '1.5 inch screw'. (See attached article - HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and 'screwdrivers'.Sincerely, I. Getscrewed Everyear

    Below are the typical areas of a resume and my priceless secrets for dealing with them. These tips will help crush the competition, get you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus bonus.
    THE NAME - Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit. Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith - now that might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards" O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad.
    THE ADDRESS - Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails. Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!
    THE PHONE NUMBER - Skip it. What are the odds they'll call - 1,000 to 1. If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never put your phone number on a resume unless you want to try some interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or more...

    Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I
    owe $3, 407. 00 in taxes. Please note the attached article
    from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein
    you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171. 50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600. 00 per toilet seat.
    I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2, 400) and six
    (6) hammers valued @ $1, 029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3, 429. 00.
    Please apply the overpayment of $22. 00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1. 5 " Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H. U. D. pays $22. 00 each for 1. 5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
    It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next more...

    A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button. Tiny electrodes are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin close to the groin. The patient then controls the sensation with a handheld remote.

    --- Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant:

    ~ Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio Shack.

    ~ Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of orgasm related headlines.

    ~ Dad: now surfs with two remotes Mom: never complains

    ~ She never wants to cuddle anymore -- it's click, click, click, and she's out the door.

    ~ Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're looking at $600 bucks to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your SUV.

    ~ The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming...

    ~ "Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache."

    ~ Finally, more...

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